On being married - One direction

I once read that love doesnt mean gazing at each other's eyes; it means looking outward together in the same direction. I thought my husband and i were, in our goals, plans, and dreams. I just realized now that we werent. Perhaps that is one of the main reasons why we fight. We are both very passionate about our ideals and goals and sadly, eventhough we both have the long term goal of having the good life, our means to an end aren't the same.

My husband was brought up in a family of military men. His ideals fall in line with discipline, strict moral code, conservative practices, being reserved, quiet and unfortunately, a bit low on the perky side (thats translated to - he's a bit boring). And yes, all of these traits attracted me to him. Not including the fact that my husband does look good (i honestly believe he really does =)). Plus the fact that I prayed for my husband. I remember when i was a little girl - i drew up a picture of my future husband in my mind and 10 years later, when i saw M - i knew it was for keeps. And because of the traits I mentioned above, we frequently fight too.

At first i thought it was because of the fact that we were just so different from each other. I was raised in a family where love and affection were openly shown, appreciation was always present, concern and laughter was always tangible. And even though my parents fought frequently too, me and my sister were always told that we were loved no matter what. I was always hugged, kissed and teased by my parents. Clowning around was a constant past time. Not to mention that I know that I have always been attuned to my parents - my soft, gentle yet strong mother and my intelligent, witty and always grumpy father.

M and I would start arguing and turn into a full blown fight that can almost put UFC to shame, or at least be likened to a telenovela, complete with things flying in the air. I would say something and he would say something and both of us would just not yield into a compromise. A stand - off of beliefs and viewpoints and opinions would ensue and none of that would actually solve the problem. I think the only reason we stop fighting is because we're just both very tired of talking and it can really be exhausting, not to mention frustrating because of the fact that the problem ws not addressed.

M and I are married for 3 years now, and this is the only time, that i realized what was wrong. We werent looking in the same direction. I wanted to be a (korny) carreer woman. I wanted to work abroad and practice my profession. Even though I tried, I think I also know why I failed. Again, because we werent looking in the same direction. He delved into the world of business specifically - the business of public transportation. Eventhough it ran for the past 3 years, it was not easy for both of us to manage and eventually, today, we had to let go of it and sell it, franchise and all.

Looking at my husband earlier today, i knew it was painful for him to let go of something he has always wanted -- a business of his own. I was relieved really, to let the franchise go. I saw it as a nuisance, a burden, a liability. And that realization came instantly. When I was feeling relieved and he was looking all sad and defeated.

And so i wanted to write about that realization because eventhough I am sure he hasnt come to the same conclusions yet, I wanted to try and promise a resolution on my part. Knowing that I am not looking in the same direcion as he is, when it comes to raising this family, is a solution in itself. Knowing is half solving the problem. I can start from here. I can take it one step at a time. And perhaps later on when we start picking up the pieces, we can walk and look in the same direction our lives are going.

Lesson Number 6- They grow up so fast!

Sure enough, when i look back, she was just this small tiny little itsy bitsy bit of a baby. And now, she can climb out of her crib, walk on her own, dance, blabber and wish to eat on her own! What's next? Drive a car on her own? My husband M told me once that he used to drive around his favorite toy car when he was about 4 or 5, and boasted that he was really good for a kid his age. I passed it off as him being a show off. True enough his mother (my MIL) told me that he was really good at maneuvering around obstacles and stuff. She told me it was the cutest thing she ever did see.

Well i can certainly relate to that. Seeing my daughter walk and run on her own gives me great pleasure and pride. As if that milestone was a great feat equivalent to landing your own spaceship on the moon. Hey what can i say? I'm a mother.

Right now she's learning how to use the spoon and fork on her own. She's trying to learn how to use the dipper when taking a bath, because I get this feeling she would like to bathe on her own now. Whenever I soap her tiny cute body, she would push my hand away and she would rub both her hands and touch her face as if saying "See?! I can wash my face on my own! How hard is it to bathe on my own huh, mom?"

Experiencing these "firsts" can be so overwhelming and sometimes fleeting that the moment has gone before I even realized that she did something for the first time. I am a working mom. I work at home. I work for 8 hours of the day and the rest, I work on chores and mommy duty. Sometimes, I get so busy that I forget I need to teach my daughter her ABC's and 123's. More often than not this great task gets to be done by another member of the family. And although I am thankful for their support, nothing beats really to realize that Iwas the first to teach my daughter this and that.

And so I have resolved to spend less time in front of the kitchen counter top and more with my daughter - inside and outside of the house. I have made the list below to guide me through the coming months:

Church every Sunday
Visit the Zoo
Visit a beach
Buy those wonderful educational CD's - she loves Dora, The Backyardigans and Diego...thank God for Nickelodeon!
Read to her every day -- she recognizes and says balloon, dog, cat, fish, the color yellow and pink! I dont know why she doesnt like red...
Dance with her
Sing with her

I need to be frugal on expenses so I cannot enroll my daughter in Gymboreem or those nice helpful classes. I realize now that I have to do this on my own. And i have to put an effort to it. I am not only rearing a child, I am trying to be and learning how to be a good mother. Not the best mother - but someone good enough to love her, cherish her, support and educate her. They grow up so fast, so let's keep pace!

Kalamansi Cupcakes

Inspired by the kalamansi muffins at the Real Coffee in Boracay. I experimented on my own recipe and a recipe I got from the lemon bars. Before doing so however, a few notes. Although recipes state a specific temperature and cooking time you have to know that ovens are unique and different from each other. You have to really know your oven in order to bake these goodies and for them to turn out nice and decadent. I use US Tradition electric oven and it never disappointed me but I had to be extra watchful because I noticed that the batches at the back tend to cook and brown so much quicker than the ones in front. Secondly, it tends to overheat so there's a point in my baking time that I have to lower the temp down to a manageable level to cook and bake deliciously. This was not realized in a day (Rome wasnt build in a day right?). I experienced a lot of mishaps, thrown away batches and sadness at first but in the end me and my oven got on good terms and now I am happily baking when I wish to (well, truthfully -- when i have the time).
So here it is:
1 - 1 1/2 cups of all purpose flour
1 stick of butter + 1 tbsp (usalted and at room temp)
2 eggs
1/4 kilo of kalamansi (thereabouts) - grate a few for the rind (choose the really green and firm ones)
1/2 cup of white sugar
4 tbsps of white sugar
1 yogurt (unflavored or any flavor will do except buko pandan - im thinking it will really alter the taste of your cupcake)
1tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda (there was this blogger who said to use fresh not dead baking soda...and the baking soda i used had been sitting in my pantry for over 4 months now and my cupcakes turned out still good -- so wonder what he meant by that)
1/2 tsp salt
about 1/2 tbsp kalamansi rind
Preheat oven to 180 C. Take out everything you need from the fridge at least 1 hour before baking so that everyting is at room temperature as this makes all the difference in the fluffiness of the cake.
In a bowl, combine all your dry ingredients. Flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt plus the lemon rind. Leave about 1/2 cup of flour aside in case you need to thicken your batter (squeezing out the kalamansi yields different volumes of kalamansi juice). There's no sifting of dry ingredients in my world.
In another bowl - cream the butter and 1/2 cup sugar until light in color. Add the yogurt. Set aside.
In yet another bowl - beat the 2 eggs and add the juice of your 1/4 K Kalamansi. Add the 4 tbsps of sugar. Beat until smooth. Set aside.
Fold in the butter mixture into your flour mixture. Next add the egg mixture slowly and bit by bit all the while mixing your batter until you reach a smooth, even texture. If you find that your batter is too thin add the remaining 1/2 cup of flour bit by bit until you reach your desired consistency. (when you try and laddle the batter it should drop with a "plop" sound). By this time you would have made a sweet yet tangy batter.
Next pour the batter into your muffin pans. For this recipe I got 12 cupcakes.
Put in the oven and bake for about 15-18 min. Using my electric oven, I keep turning the pan every once in awhile so the heat gets distributed evenly to all the cupcakes. Again, its how me and my oven works. You dont necessarily have to do that if you got your own professional reliable oven (hehe).
You will notice that the cupcakes have a thick compact texture to it. It's done (really) when a toothpic inserted comes out clean.

You can use any of these recipes for your icing:

1. Candied kalamansi rind
about 1 tbsp of kalamansi rind
maple syrup or sugar syrup
Heat the maple syrup in a pan on medium heat. Stir in the rind. Let the sauce baubble and thicken (about a min or two). Pour over your cupcakes.

2. Kalamansi Icing (the one I used)
egg white from one egg
about 3/4 cup icing sugar (keep some in case you still need to add)
about 2 tbsp of kalamansi juice

Mix everthing and pour over your cupcakes. I used some on the cupcakes i made but decided that the cupcakes were delish enough on their own so I didnt dollop on them anymore. Just kept it in the freezer. In case I suddenly crave for a kalamansi icing on top
So there you go folks. Hope you like 'em when you bake 'em!

Lesson Number 5 - The best things in life are free

When my daughter started blabbering it was music to my ears. When she started saying "Mommy" and "Daddy" it was heaven. Knowing that she really was calling out to me or that she was really asking for her daddy to carry her, it was pure joy. These are the moments when you realize that, the best things in life CAN really be free.

We've almost always placed a carefully priced amount to our happiness. Sometimes not knowing how to give and love unconditionally. But, when you finally realize the true meaning of motherhood (which I know I've got a long long, long way to go), you'd know that precious moments really weigh so much more than material things. Yes every once in a while, we want and really NEED something to survive, to keep us sane, to make us happy. To feel that we are in control of our happiness. But oftentimes, we stumble upon an unforgettable moment with our loved ones, and that pricey cell phone is just...a cell phone. That glittery jewel suddenly doesnt shine enough compared to your child's radiant smile. All of a sudden, having enough is more than you can ask for when in company of a loved one.

My daughter was inside her crib one day, playing with her pillow. We call it her "loving pillow" for lack of a better term of endearment. I was watching how her eyes would lit up at a realization that its soft, and cool and comforting. How she would hold it close and cuddle with it and just be content having her "loving pillow". And I wondered when was the last time I felt safe and content and happy with something so simple? I have had enough troubles lately to last me a lifetime, and believe me I would want nothing more than just to be done with it, but watching my daughter that day, it made me realize, not everything has a price tag.

My time with my daughter, the golden moments waiting to pass by, the days of learning, all the adventures waiting to happen..these are all moments I am happily anticipating. And they are now starting....

Lesson Number 4 - Fighting doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing

Could you remember a time when our parents ever told us "its good to fight?" when we were kids? I used to just always hear "fighting is bad", or "dont fight with your cousins" or "don't fight with you sister/brother!". But hasn't it ever occurred to our parents then that a good ounce of fight could be good?

As little as my daughter is at this point, she knows how to fight and stand her ground. I don't think I would ever want to diminish that side of her. I can harness it but curb it towards her own good. In this day and age, it's equally important to be bad (sometimes) because the world itself is not all rainbows and sugar cones and cotton candy. I know that my being a parent entails teaching my daughter how to be responsible, and that doesn't mean I have to teach her to be meek and seek cover during times when she has to stand her ground and throw something back.
I feel secure in the fact knowing that my daughter will be alright. There are moments when she gets side stepped or when another kid gets the better of her, but I know that those moments only served to strengthen her. She's a learner. And that is a good thing.

Lesson Number 3 - The gift

My daughter is the greatest gift I have ever received from God. A simple smile, a bubbly hello, a twinkle in her eye, a scream of delight, a wet (and sticky gooey) kiss, a hug, a run, a dance and a cry from her are all cherished moments in my life that I know will hold me aground for all eternity. I am blessed, trully, by having my daughter born in this world.

Now you might be wondering why this was lesson number 3 and not number 1? Well, as with all lessons in life, it comes at the most opportune time. At a time when I simply needed to realize it. At a time when I needed to know that I am loved and can love unconditionally. I am used to be teased by my friends that I am such a cry baby. That I am. And, having my daughter with me, is a miracle that she can easily cure me from my aching heart.

I didnt realize that my eyes were blazing with fury, tears were streaming down my face and my heart was broken in tiny pieces until she reached out and touched my face and smiled at me. Her cute, mischievous smile as if saying "brace yourself, there'll be more to come mommy" ...and I did and I am. I am bracing my self for more heartaches, disappointment and frustration. But I see a silver lining in my horizon. A simple touch cured me and strengthened me. My daughter is a healer...that is her gift.

Lesson Number 2 - Sometimes she just doesn't know what she wants

We've labored over this for far too long. Kids throwing tantrums and crying their hearts out over seemingly...nothing! Feet stumping and heads a-bangin' like a die hard rock and roll fan. I frantically search for the nearest toy (or thing) that would catch her fancy but nooooo...she just keeps crying and screaming and throwing a fit! And I finally just give up and let her be. Lo and behold, she just settles into a comfortable zone in her crib, wipes her eyes like plays again with her toys.

For a mom like me who really doesn't have help at home, its downright frustrating not to be able to communicate with your toddler, much less a one year old kid. I don't know baby sign language because quite frankly, even though its effective, I just couldnt see the justification of spending money over it as opposed to buying milk for my daughter. I'm that practical kind of person. I don't have that much patience in my bones. It got all consumed together with my calcium reserve during my first pregnancy. I don't have that much creativity in me to win over my daughter's attention, because well, if you're one to finish the laundry at 8 AM then proceed to give your daughter her breakfast and brace yourself for one hell of a bath...let me tell you it aint never easy to be thingking about something else besides finishing.

So, the next time she throws a fit, I know better than to waste my energy trying to figure out what she wants. Trust me, she just wants to bawl her eyes out. That is of course after you've checked if she pooped or wants milk. I never said for you to be inconsiderate.

The First Day of School

The first day of school proved to be nothing different. It all started on this dreary rainy afternoon, in front of my laptop, erstwhile feeding my little toddler. And much like first lessons taught, it wasn't something that I thought I already knew. I have been feeding my daughter like it was war of the worlds between the two of us. Until we settled on a little compromise, yes, as young as my daughter is, she already knows how to compromise. Feed me that gooey stuff you call baby food while I watch you make a clown of yourself. At least that's how SHE compromised and I couldn't do anything about it.

Until a few days later when the compromise suddenly ended. Just as quickly, she doesn't want to eat anything anymore. Not the usual baby food, the poridge I so laboriously pour what's left of cooking skills on, and not the oh so reliable "cheeze whiz" I always put in. None, nothing, nada, zip, zap, boom!

And it has been going on for a few days now, me relying her nutrition on milk and a few spoonfuls of baby food (which by the way paved the way to war again). And, just like the light of day, it dawned on me that its not her lack of appetite that's wrong, but my lack of imagination and creativity that's making this battle a loosing one.

With this thought in mind, I set out to concoct my first experiment. Ol' yeh Knorr Mushroom Soup. And holy of holies! She ate! On her own accord! A couple spoonfulls of warm, creamy mushroom soup. And just as the realization settled, I also found out that she likes warm food so much more than lukewarm ones. Hmmmm....something I was surprised to find out really.
So here I am in front of my laptop, my daughter's tummy full and she watching Cartoon Network. She's like good for the next half hour or so until something else catches her fancy or declares that world is just plain boring.